Friday, December 17, 2010

A Little Snow Humor

Due to the recent snow/ice storm here in Southeastern VA, I’ve decided to take some time out from my Christmas crafting to put together this little public service announcement. After all, these wonderful southern people have allowed me (a Yank) to take up residence in their region for the past ten years; I figure it’s the least I could do.

Happy Holidays!
(Disclaimer: In no way is this meant to be offensive. Some of my favorite people are ‘Southerners’ and we often joke about the differences between the north and south, driving being one of the best topics! So please take this in fun and I hope you get a good laugh from it.)

**Winter storm advisory is in effect until 7pm tomorrow night,
although this could change should the storm shift westward 1/18
of a millimeter. Periods of heavy snow are expected (or maybe just
rain for the coastal south – this system is unpredictable). Possible
accumulation of 1” to 8” depending on your location or if we have
read our highly sensitive, scientific equipment correctly. A winter
storm advisory means that snow will cause dangerous travel
conditions (but it’s very pretty!).

In effort to meet the anticipated needs of citizens in the southern United States, we have created a FAQs section below should you have difficulty understanding this advisory.**

Survival Tips: The Snow-Shocked Southerner


What do they mean, we’re getting snow? What the hell is that?!?!
Snow is the white stuff falling from the sky. Should you look out the window and see some of this wintry goodness blanketing the ground, drop to your knees and thank the Snow Gods for such a blessing. Then realize you have no concept of winter travel and immediately go back inside.

But I haven’t gone to the store yet!
Trust me; you will survive one day without bread and milk. I know that seems impossible now but I promise it will be okay.

My next door neighbor is from Philly and he says that anything under a foot is a joke. I asked if that meant he was going to work. He laughed for about five minutes then said there wasn’t enough money in the world to get him behind the wheel. When I pointed out that he had a big 4WD truck, he laughed even harder. Eventually, I just smiled and nodded – you know I didn’t want to be rude. But what the you-know-what is going on with that Yank? They talk so darn fast, you know, I could’ve missed something. Bless his heart but he couldn’t stop that obnoxious laughter.
You’re better off checking the FAQs here:
‘Survival Tips: I Have a New Yankee Neighbor (bless his/her/their heart/s)’

**Winter storm advisory remains in effect until 7pm tomorrow night. Snow early with freezing rain and ice later. Or you may just get freezing rain or nothing at all. Look, if you want to know the weather look out your window!**

They just added ice, freezing rain and/or sleet to the forecast. What’s happening!? Where am I!?
A relative of snow, ice has the initial appearance of rain as it falls. But, DON’T BE FOOLED! Ice is nothing like rain. Ice is slick and deceptive and warrants extreme caution! Handled inappropriately, and it could kill you.

Freezing rain is precipitation that freezes upon impact with a surface. Significant accumulation is considered an ice storm. Regardless of amount, it causes treacherous road conditions. And… it could kill you.

Sleet, on the other hand, is precipitation that is already frozen (to some extent) before impact. Like ice and freezing rain, it creates a slippery road surface making travel unsafe. It too… could kill you.

Bottom line: DO NOT drive anywhere! Ice, in any of its forms… could kill you!

Take a deep breath… repeat after me… ‘Ice is slippery. Ice can kill me. It doesn’t matter if I have feet or tires. I will not leave my house. Ice is slippery. Ice can kill me.’ Chant this mantra over and over again until you’re sure you understand. Then put on your Snuggie, get a cup of hot chocolate and cuddle up on the couch. There now, all better.

Whatever, dude. I’ve me a big ol' pick-up with 4WD – ain’t no way I’m staying in for this! YeeHaw!
Under no circumstance does owning a 4WD vehicle make you the super hero of snow transit. Seriously, get those delusions out of your head right now! In the event you get stuck in a snow drift (unlikely down south) then by all means utilize that little sucker, but do not get all ‘big and bad’ with your jacked up truck and think that you’re immune to the white stuff. Ice is ice and you will still lose control when you drive too fast, then slam on your breaks last minute. And I really don’t want to end up in a heap of scrap metal!

I was just wondering if there is anything special we need to know. Like, can we still get cell service and whatnot with a storm like this? Like I really can’t be without my iPhone.
When driving in snow/sleet/ice/rain, you need to drive defensively. I realize this is something you are not used to, as it requires the following driving skills:

- Using turn signals when appropriate (changing lanes, turning, etc.)

- Actually stopping at a red light before turning right on red

- Understanding the difference between a stop sign and a yield sign (beyond the color difference)

- Recognizing that you’re sharing the road with other drivers – it isn’t all about you and your need to get somewhere ASAP!

- Checking your mirrors before changing lanes to make sure there is sufficient space and that you won’t cut someone off. Remember: mirrors actually serve a purpose beyond checking out how cool you look or putting on make-up. USE THEM!


I know you just can’t wait to call your BFF's to tell them that it’s snowing, or to post a photo of the car flipped over in a ditch, but don’t you think now is the time to focus on the road?! I’m just saying…

**Winter storm advisory has been lifted. Little to no snow accumulation has been reported and most areas are now experiencing rain showers (without ice). We are now monitoring the next big system heading our way. Check back often for the latest details as we prepare for another blizzard. **

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